If you’re a few months into dating that special someone or you’ve been in it for a year or more now, you may be thinking of taking the next step with commitment. I mean you’ve done it all: you’ve been on a billion dates, you’ve met their friends, their family, you’ve stayed over a few times, you may even be living together so, ideally, it makes sense that you are ready cross that line. Deciding to fully commit to a relationship is a big decision and before you do it’s important to make sure you and your potential partner are fully aligned. To avoid stories that touch. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years these 21 questions for a new relationship should help provide some clarity and build intimacy.
Why did your last relationship end?
Asking this question is important because it can help you understand what your partner may still be holding on to and things they may not be able to let go of. It could also help you decide if you’re compatible or not. For example, maybe they broke up because one wanted marriage and the other did not. If it turns out that your current partner wants marriage and you don’t, it’s best to learn that early on so you don’t potentially break your heart or waste your time.
What did you learn from that relationship?
I’m a firm believer that every relationship teaches you something unless you were never truly in it. It could be something as small as “I don’t like tall men” or something as big as “My past trauma has made me so defensive, I sometimes close up and find it difficult to hear anyone out, in the heat of the moment”. Either way, these lessons can help you understand more about their values.
What are your plans for the next 5-10 years?
You do not want to commit to someone without a plan for their life. It doesn’t have to be fully formulated but there should be an idea and you should see the zeal or willingness to at least try to make it come to life. You don’t want to end up carrying your partner on your shoulders, like a weight you can never get rid of. Also, for some people (me) you don’t have to have a 5 or 10-year plan but an important question I’d ask is what are your top priorities for the next 5- 10 years? You may not have a plan and that’s okay but I’d need to at the very least know where your head’s at.
How would you want us to handle money?
There are spenders and there are savers. How you spend or save money may not be compatible with how your partner does the same, and this may cause issues further down the line. Also, once your lives start truly blending together you are going to want to figure out how to share bills, and what goals you have for the future (that have to do with money) for example you may want to buy a house or rent one together or get a car or plan for a trip and anything else that pertains to money.
How would you define cheating?
This is so important. You may not think flirting is cheating but your partner might. To avoid unnecessary drama in the future, both of you need to get clear on what cheating means to each other.
What are your religious and political beliefs?
Some people can be with other people that have a completely different outlook on life, God, the government, name it. However, for most people it’s usually a deal breaker, some fates are too different, and some views too opposite from each other. For example, I don’t think I can be with someone who thinks Donald Trump is the best.
What are you like when you are broke?
Financial difficulties could bring out the worst in a person. If you can have an honest conversation about this it could help each of you prepare your minds for what may come or decide if that’s something you cannot deal with.
What are the things about me that you like and dislike?
If you love someone, you want to make them happy, so you want to know the things about you that bring joy to their lives and the things that don’t. You need to know the things they don’t like so you know if you can work on them or if it’s a deal-breaker sort of situation before either of you commits and down the line, someone is hurt because of it.
Are you open to relationship counselling?
I don’t think I can stress this enough but communication is key to a healthy relationship. Not everyone knows healthy communication styles and getting a third party’s opinion can’t hurt, so seeing a therapist may just be what you need for your relationship to thrive. However, not everyone is open to it and you need to know if your partner is and what it could mean for you.
How important is sex to you?
Everyone has different sex drives. Your sex drive may not match up with your partner’s and normally that would be okay, you just need to find a rhythm that works for both of you but sometimes, for some people, it’s a deal-breaker.
Who does the chores and how often?
This may seem like such a small thing that doesn’t even deserve a discussion but if one person CONSTANTLY does the chores, then at some point resentment will set in and it can cause bigger issues in the future. A division of labour can easily prevent any of this from happening.
What are you not willing to compromise on?
All types of relationships require some form of compromise at one point or the other. Maybe you have overlooked or ignored certain things in almost all your relationships, your mum has said something you don’t like, your sister took that top without asking again, your roommate still sings at the top of her lungs every time she’s cleaning and maybe your partner is almost always in front of the TV screen. These things annoy you but for the sake of peace you let it go. However, there are some things that people just can’t let go of. They can’t meet you halfway. For example, you want kids and your partner doesn’t. There’s no way around it. You cannot meet in the middle.
What do you think about marriage?
Some people are ready for a lifelong relationship but don’t believe in marriage. On the other hand, marriage might mean the world to you. To save yourself a lot of pain you need to find out early on if y’all can work it out or if you need to let each other go.
What are your views on racism and feminism?
You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone that looks down on women and/or judges people based on the colour of their skin.
Do you want kids?
I think this is pretty clear to everyone. A relationship between a person who wants kids and another that doesn’t will only end in tears.
How do you deal with difficult emotions? e.g. Anger
You don’t want a violent partner or a two-year-old in a grown person’s body. You need someone who knows how to communicate their feelings and someone who knows when to take a step back if they cannot be nice in the heat of the moment.
Do you ever keep secrets from me?
It may be small things but I personally think secrets lead to bigger issues. So, have an open and honest conversation about anything you’ve kept from each other in the time you’ve been together and try to figure out why you held these things back and if it will cause problems in the future.
What is your relationship like with your family?
I think this is a tricky one. It doesn’t really matter whether your partner is close to their family or not but if they’re not there might be some lingering trauma and trauma responses that might affect your relationship down the line. If they’re close to their family and they listen to everything family members say, and it so happens that said family members don’t like you, it might put a strain on the relationship as well.
What are your expectations for this relationship?
Some people are “here for a good time not a long time” while others want a genuine future with you. Some want kids, some don’t. Get crystal clear on what your potential partner wants and see if those expectations are compatible.
What are the expectations of your social life?
This seems like such a small thing with almost no importance but I’ve seen relationships crumble because one person would rather be at parties at 2 am than in bed with their partner. Opposites don’t always attract. Have a conversation about what works for you and what doesn’t. See if you can meet each other halfway.
What are your love languages?
Everyone has specific ways they would like to be loved. I like reassurance. I like when my partner helps me out with little things around the house without me having to ask. I like holding their hand. I like doing any and everything together. However just because I like all of these doesn’t mean my partner does too. You need to learn each other’s love languages and see if you can love them in the way they feel most loved.