Dear Lisa
I fully understand why you feel apprehensive about having this conversation. There’s no easy way to tell someone they’re not clean. I feel uncomfortable telling someone something as small as they have a booger sticking out of their nose, or something stuck in their teeth and so on. You worry about hurting their feelings or having them pull away. As you should.
Don’t expect this to be an easy conversation. Don’t think he’ll hear you and make the changes immediately. The chances of that happening are pretty slim. Depending on the type of person your man is, he may take this the wrong way. If he’s the defensive type, he may throw it back at you and tell you, you’re not clean. He may get loud and mean. If he’s the sensitive type, he may withdraw into a shell and stay there for a hot minute. If he has an underlying mental health issue that you don’t know about, you may hurt instead of help him. None of these things means you shouldn’t have this conversation.
For his health, you need to let him know that he has got to step up his hygiene game. For your sanity, peace and health, it is very important to have this conversation with him.
Try to start by expressing genuine concern for him. Let him know that you’ve noticed that he’s not the cleanest and you’re worried that something may be going on. A couple of things could happen after this conversation. He could reveal that he has been going through something and if this is the case, you will have to be patient and understanding. Help him out as much as you can and try to make sure he gets the help he needs.
The other thing that could happen, as already mentioned, is that he gets very defensive. He could have issues and not be aware of it or he may be aware but just isn’t capable of being vulnerable enough to let you in. You need to decide if you’re in a place where you can be patient enough to wait for him or if this isn’t something you can deal with long-term.
If it becomes clear that he has no underlying health issues, here are some tips you can use to communicate with him:
- Sit him down and let him know you want to discuss something potentially upsetting or alternatively get in the shower with him and try to play your way around it.
- Be gentle but direct. Even though you choose the lighter route, you need to be very clear. If you’re in any way vague, he may misunderstand and you may hurt his feelings more than you thought you would.
- Don’t sugarcoat anything or try to spare his feelings but don’t be mean. There’s no need to get vicious.
If he gets mad and loud, you need to try to be the bigger person and not engage. Don’t yell back or try to defend yourself. None of that. Try to give him space to feel his feelings.
Let him know you love him and you’re just looking out for him. Tell him you just want the very best for him.
If after all this he still doesn’t acknowledge your concerns you need to make a difficult decision. You have to decide if he’s worth being patient for or if it’s time for you to move on.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Girlily