I Was Convinced That I Had Cancer, But Hearing That I Didn’t Came With An Even Bigger Burden

Those who have had a brush with death know it’s very scary. Let’s face it, no one really knows what comes after. Unless you’re one of the few that don’t fear death at all. Or, maybe you’re just young, so you don’t really think about it until you hear the random gist about the relative that died. And even then, it’s only for a moment, until the latest BTS song brings you back to the present. That was me.

For some reason, I just always had the belief that me and my loved ones were immune to death. We could not be victims of fatal illnesses because God loved us too much to let us suffer. So when I read stories of people dying of cancer or kids having strange diseases like mitochondrial encephalopathy, my reflex reaction was fear, sympathy and pity, but never really empathy because I didn’t understand what these people had to go through on a daily basis. Deep down, I probably felt that there was some kind of shield that just kept scary illnesses far away from me. It didn’t matter that my grandmother had died of breast cancer, I had never met her, and although I secondary love for her through my mum, to me, that illness ended in her generation.  

When I began to notice brown patches on my inner cheek, I still wasn’t scared. “Remember that time you saw blood in your poop and you thought you had rectal cancer but it turned out to be complications due to constipation” I’d say to myself, “This is just one of those minor stuff”. I checked google, all the same, just to be sure and safe.

Advice Number 1: Don’t go to google when you’re scared. That thing blows things out of proportion.
Results started attacking me as soon as I entered the search term “brown patch in cheek”.

Melasma! Oral Melanotic Manule! Malignant Melonama! Benign! Oral Cancer! These words, these names almost drove me crazy, but I told myself to keep calm. “According to google there really isn’t anything to worry about unless the shape or texture of the patch changes”.  

Jinx! I shouldn’t have said that. Now, the texture didn’t change, but the shape did. It began to expand, and expand, and then it appeared on my right cheek too. Here I go again. Back to google to check out the symptoms of oral cancer.

Symptom 1 – Swellings: Well, I took out my tooth three days ago because I had a cavity. I haven’t healed yet, but I’m sure that’s not why that cheek is a bit swollen. It has to be cancer.  

Symptom 2 – Unexplained Bleeding: My gums bled a bit when I brushed last two weeks and the dentist said it was because I was due for a cleaning, but thats not it, seems like a symptom of cancer.

Symptom 3 – Unexplained Numbness In The Mouth: My cheek still feels numb from all the ice cubes I’ve been using to speed the healing of my socket after taking out my tooth, but, I really think its a sign of cancer.

Symptom 4 – A  Feeling That Something Is Caught In The Back Of The Throat: Aha! After eating bread last week, for two days I felt like it was stuck in my throat. Definitely cancer!

Symptom 5 – Difficulty Chewing or Swallowing: Refer to point made above.

Symptom 6 – Ear Pain: Well, it wasn’t really a pain but now that you mention it, I feel this sensation in my ear. Could it be cancer?

Symptom 7 – Dramatic Weight Loss: My aunt said I lost some weight. I haven’t been able to eat for a week since I took out my tooth. I checked the scale and it was confirmed.  I lost 2.20462 pounds. Ha! What a dramatic weight loss. Damn you Cancer!  

True, I had self-diagnosed my self, and I was probably overreacting but I was still so afraid. I wasn’t ready to die yet. There was still so much that had to be done. What happened to leaving my footprints on the sands of time, taking care of mummy in her old age. Oh, Poor mummy! she wouldn’t be able to bear this news.  

I picked up my bags and rushed to my doctor friend in exasperation, maybe this is still stage one and something can be done. “Help, I think I have cancer”. He began to laugh hysterically at me as soon as the words left my mouth, not because he was happy that I was dying but because I was not dying at all, because those brown patches were really just veins and in the next few days I’d be able to see their etched lines clearly enough. I jumped  for joy at the good news, then stopped, because I remembered the others who actually had cancer, the ones who weren’t lucky enough to have their doctor tell them that what they thought was cancer is just a blood clot, how about the ones who are not lucky enough to survive the wrath of this selfish killer, who had to succumb to death… to the unknown. Finally, I could empathize with them.