On Marriage and Disability: What are the Choices?

I was watching a movie over the weekend where a man got married to a woman with a mental disability (imbecile was the phrase used in the movie). There was a lot of hullabaloo happening in the story so although he made the decision while under the influence of spiritual powers, for the period in which the marriage lasted, he was in love and certain that the imbecile was his soul mate. Throughout the course of the movie, I watched as he unsuccessfully tried to engage in basic acts of romance to the embarrassingly curious stare of onlookers. Needless to say, their attempt at sex was a wild card because, by nature, she was incapable of staying still.

As the events in the film progressed, my thoughts drifted. I knew that although this film was fictional in nature, it, like many others, was modeled after a real-life experience. I began to think of the disabled and whether or not marriage was in the cards for them. If, as some of us tend to plan out our lives in the order of “school-work-wedding-baby”, they did the same or simply gave up at “work”. Whether they hoped for the day love would find them or were resigned to the idea that no one would think of them as desirable. Even more, I wanted to know the able’s stance on the issue so I put up a poll on my Instagram page and asked the following question:

Would you get married to a person with a physical disability?

A. Love Conquers All.

B. Love Has Limits

The final result was a whopping tie, 50-50 but what I found even more compelling were the questions that arose in the course of the polling. People voiced that, the kind of disability in question would be a great influence on their ultimate choice. While mobile impairment was a deal breaker to some, others were confident that they could find a way to work around it. Additionally, the time frame in which the disability occurred, (before or during the relationship) would be a determining clause. The latter being the more favorable of the two options.

I think this was a very important discussion to spark because, aside from highlighting the unpredictability of life, it excised the double-sidedness to human preference. Every day, we learn more about ourselves by stretching our limits and testing our ability to deal with uneasy situations.

For the 50% who were resolute that love would conquer:

  • What if in the course of the marriage you discovered that your partner required more time and energy than you were physically capable of giving. Caring for them became draining and affected your quality of life such that resentment set in.

For the 50% who were certain that love had its limits:

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crop unrecognizable black couple holding hands on bed

  • What if you ventured into a relationship with an abled: Built a life, a family, waxed stronger in love only for your partner to be involved in an unfortunate incident that renders him or her permanently handicapped.

For everyone reading this:

  • What if the roles were reversed and your partner had to choose. Would you expect their commitment or would they have your blessings to walk away?

According to the World Bank’s Disability Inclusion Overview, “More than 1 billion people in the world have some form of disability. This makes about 15% of the world’s population”. The Affordable Insurance Protection Group also notes that more than 375,000 Americans become completely disabled every year. By this analysis, the chances of one being disabled or ending up with a disabled partner, either by choice or by fate are 15 to 100. Here’s the truth; as much as we tend to hold ourselves to a definitive perspective, it is almost impossible to speak with one hundred percent certainty on any situation if it is not being experienced. But that should not stop us from imagining, from wearing the said shoes and recreating a similar atmosphere so as to gauge a proposed response. It is important to always be prepared.

So imagine.

What if?

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