My first time was interesting. It wasn’t like what the world had led me to believe. It wasn’t flowers and roses and the most perfect thing that has ever happened to me but it also wasn’t blindingly painful. It didn’t feel like I was being split in half. It was good but not great. Lovely but not earth-shattering. It was an okay first time and though society may make us believe differently, I believe that is more than okay.
I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. My then-boyfriend had snuck me into his sister’s house. Her baby daddy was being a bitch. He didn’t like his baby mama’s siblings having people over, even though they’d only stay in a designated room. He didn’t even like his baby mama having anyone over. It had been years since he’d been kind to her but that’s a story for another day.
So, I was successfully sneaked in and we were in his room. It had been an exhausting day. I had had something of a business meeting with an uncle I worked with and I just wanted to lie down. Once, before I got too exhausted, we tried. I was on the bed, on my hands and knees leaning forward and he attempted to launch himself inside me. I won’t lie. It hurt. Like a bitch. When I couldn’t take much more I asked him to stop and immediately he did. He was a good guy. Decent enough. Never really pushed. I thought I loved him. Maybe I did but again- story for another day.
Later he would tell me he did go in. I guess I just couldn’t deal with how much it hurt at the time. I couldn’t let him move. Hours later, after we fooled around a bit(playfully and yes, sexually) and I was too bone-deep tired to really move, it worked. I was laying on my back when he suddenly got up from my side and somewhat got on top of me. I was laughing because of how tired I was and I think I remember telling him I couldn’t really do anything. He smiled, knelt between my already spread legs, lifted me by my hips, wrapped my legs around him and then slowly, he tried to slip it in again. I wasn’t expecting it to work. You see that wasn’t the first day we had tried. One day we rented a hotel room and all through the night, we tried. It just hurt too much. So I had just accepted this wasn’t going to happen. A part of me thought it was because of some sexual trauma I had had with an older male cousin when I was 8. Imagine my surprise when easily, in almost half a second, his penis slid right in and I didn’t feel an ounce of pain. It was like my body was ready for him. I can barely remember but I think he had eaten me out right before and we may have oiled the condom but those weren’t the only reason it was so easy. The main thing that made it work was what I’ve been writing about since the beginning of this story. I was tired. I was so tired I wasn’t in my head and my body was a hundred percent relaxed. It was the perfect time. I think I remember saying oh, tilting my head to the side and maybe smiling? It wasn’t what I was expecting. I wasn’t crying and the pain wasn’t unbearable. Frankly, there was no pain. So I lay there and waited for the screaming ecstasy. Five minutes went by, then ten anddddd nothing.
Everything I had ever watched in porn, the people in movies, my friends that had talked about it- had they all lied??! It wasn’t terrible, nowhere close but it was and still is one of the biggest letdowns in my short existence on this earth. Eventually, when we changed positions, we found a good rhythm and it felt good but it still wasn’t what I had been expecting. Many tries later with him and others, sex has been good, sometimes great, sometimes so mind-blowing it has felt unreal. The unreal sex has been with someone I don’t think people are ready to hear about just yet so as per usual- a story for another day.
So yes, ladies, hope your first time is good but don’t expect great. People learn about each other’s bodies over time. Your first time would most likely suck, not because it’ll hurt like bitch, if done right, it shouldn’t really hurt at all but because you’re new to it and your partner is new to having sex with you. Maybe it’s not their first time and they have been amazing at it with a thousand other people but the point is they haven’t been amazing at it with you. What turns you on may not be what turns all those other people on. Keep that in mind and don’t get disappointed. Maybe your first time will suck but don’t forget you get a second time and third and a fourth and if you’re lucky a thousandth. As with most things in life, you get to try again. ❤️