If I got pregnant today, I would abort the child. Hear me out.
When my grandmother was 18 or 19 years old she had my mum. It shaped the course of the rest of her life. When my mother was 19, she had me. It shaped the course of the rest of her life. Growing up people would argue with my mum that I was her sister and not her daughter, it made me happy, made me feel grown and it also made me feel closer to her. Sometimes I would jokingly call her by her name and she’d laugh. The bond we were building made me want to have kids as early as I could. 19 was a bit too old but it would suffice. I wanted kids early so I could bond with them like my mum was doing with me and so everyone would call me the ‘young, hot, mum’, just like they called her. I also wanted at the very least 10 kids (lee to de mao- pushing all that out?). I was raised in a big family with tons of cousins coming over to visit year-round. I wanted a big family of my own too.
Fast forward to 2015 and my mum falls into a coma and eventually leaves the earth for good. It takes a minute for all of it to sink in but when it does it’s A LOT. As the first child, I was constantly told that I was ‘the mum’ now, I had to be brave, and strong for my sisters. To be their rock. It pissed me off because I was grieving and the world was telling me not to. I didn’t have a lot to shoulder with my first and second sisters, they were after all a year and three years younger than me. We were growing together. However, I would come to largely raise the littlest, who was at the time, just four years old.
Heavy with my grief, I began to deeply detest the role that had been shoved down my throat. I could see my future flashing through my eyes and in it, I made a lot of sacrifices I shouldn’t have had to. It weighed on me and every day it continuously broke my heart. I did my duty though. I loved her and did the best a child could do to raise another child. I also largely pushed my other sisters away from that responsibility. I saw it as my burden alone. I didn’t want them to have to feel like they had to give up anything. That was my cross to bear, not theirs.
At the time I still wanted kids, how could I not? It was all I had dreamed of but slowly, over the years as I got older, wiser and a tad bit resentful it came as a shock to me one night. I didn’t want kids. Not at all. That realisation made me so sad, I cried myself to sleep. I was already giving so much and until my sister was at least 18, I still had much more to give. I would not be giving any more of me. Not until I had the opportunity to know and love every inch of who I am.
Fast forward a few more years and I still don’t want kids. But it’s no longer a never thing. It’s just a now and for the foreseeable future thing. I won’t even properly consider kids until I’ve largely lived this life and also considered certain things.
- Living My Life To The Fullest
I’m working towards a good balance between putting my sister right beside me and not in front. I’m choosing to learn who I am, to love every inch of who that person is. I’m also choosing to see and live this one life. There’s so much to do on my own for just me that I haven’t done yet.
- Loving And Being With A Person For Them Alone, Not Because Of What They Can Give Me (a child)
I believe the love and emotional bond and connection between two people largely determine how much love is put into a child and how healthy that love can be. My child deserves to be loved simply because they are my child, not because they’re a substitute for the love I’m trying to give and receive back.
- Financial Stability
I’m in my early twenties. I’m living life, I’m grinding hard. I will not bring a child into the world if I cannot cater for all of their needs and then some. At this point, I cannot. Not yet at least. I want to make enough to cater for all my needs and most of my wants. I would also like to be financially stable enough to support two or more people other than myself before thinking of a baby.
- Childhood Trauma And Emotional Readiness
A lot happened in my childhood. Many of which I am still healing from. I know the damage my parents wrought. The ABSOLUTE last thing I want to do is cause even a quarter of the damage they did to me, to my own kids. I would hate myself and I would find it near impossible to live with the guilt and pain. I’m not aiming for perfection but I want to get to a point where I have largely worked on my trauma responses.
Also, I know for a fact that I am not ready for what it truly means to have a kid. Not for what carrying the child could and will do to my body, not for the sacrifices I will have to start making, not for the responsibility of a life in MY hands. I wouldn’t be able to just give the kid back to its parent, I would be the parent.
- Environment
Where you live, and where you raise a child influences who they are at their core and how they think. I was born and raised in Nigeria and as of right now, I still live there. I will under no circumstance, be raising a child here. Not if the economy and nation as a whole remain the way it is.
- The people I have around me
They say it takes a village to raise a child. I don’t have the best one. Not yet. I’m filtering who I let into my life and who I allow to have access to me. For my own sanity and so eventually, many years down the line, I know EXACTLY who I’m leaving my kids with.
- My Medical History
Medically, I don’t know that much about myself. I know my blood group is A positive and my genotype AA. I’m asthmatic, I got it from my mum and I have really shitty eyesight, also from my mum. I haven’t done any testing to know what else would be important if I were to have kids. My genetics are also a bit of a mystery. I’m a quarter Italian and because my mother’s father died when she was three, she had almost no contact with his family. If there’s some hereditary disease, I don’t know about it and I would like to. So I can decide if it’s worth it, to bring a kid into this world or if I’ll only make them suffer. Also, for my health, is it worth it? Because I matter too.
- Learning Acceptance and Tolerance
No matter what or who my child becomes I want to be able to love and accept them exactly as they are. I don’t want any weird energy or some reluctance to linger if it’s something I don’t like or can’t wrap my head around. I want to build my tolerance for the things I can’t control and acceptance for decisions other people make for their own lives because even though this human would be my child, no matter how old they get, they would still be their own person, with their own feelings.
- My Values And Who I Am As A Person
I am still building my key values in life and still growing into the person I want to be. I’m young. I am incredibly young. There is still a lot to do and an absurd amount of things to unlearn and relearn. I would like to do a majority of this before I consider having kids so when I pass these values on to them, I’m not questioning it, I just know it.
Here are a few things I feel should NEVER be your reason for having kids
- Boredom
- Looking for someone to love
- Looking for someone to love you
- Looking for someone to carry on your bloodline
- Hoping to trap a partner
- To be used as a money bank (baby mama)
- It’s the ‘next step’
- You’re lonely
It is normal, human and more than okay to want kids. It’s a part of life, but have you ever sat down to actually think about why it is you really want these kids? Are you lonely? Trying to hold a partner down? Looking for someone to love you? Doing it cause it’s the “next step”? Or, do you want kids because you are genuinely ready to bring a child into this world, to love them completely and without judgment, no matter what, to put them first and sacrifice, every step of the way, to help mould a human being into whatever they decide they are?
If I got pregnant today, I would abort the child. I think at this point in my life, I would be a terrible mother and my child deserves the very best in the world.