Grief can be described as intense sorrow caused by the death of someone dearly loved or important to the grieving; it is a rather deep, heart-wrenching distress caused perhaps by the realization that someone who is close you to is no more…gone..never to be seen again. Unfortunately, in Nigeria and many other African countries people do not really regard those who are grieving. They think it is rather a waste of precious time for someone to mourn that deeply. Of course, it is okay to cry but not for long…you should quickly pick up your life like nothing happened, put on a strong façade and continue from where you stopped before you lost a loved one. What they might not understand is that grief is the cruel price you pay for something, not of your own doing; it takes you in, locks you out and denies you the precious rays of light, it just has a way of taking and taking without giving back.
You can wake up 6 months after the loss of a father or mother or sibling or a loved one and just break down because you caught a glimpse of their favorite cup or plate or scarf. Grief has you sniffing clothes just so you can get a whiff of their smell, grief has you breaking out in sweats at midnight with your heart threatening to escape from your body because it is simply difficult to breathe at that moment. Grief has you tearing up outside because someone said something that a loved one you lost has said to you before.
Society has learned to say certain things to grieving people just because it is what they think is most suitable at that moment, they assume that they just say these things and all is well. But templated condolence messages tend to do more harm than good.
Here are ten things not to say to people grieving or going through the pain of the loss of a loved one.
Heiya! Na Wa Oh!
This is a popular Nigerian exclamation for just about anything. It is characterized by an intense shaking of the head to portray distaste and annoyance at a situation. When you do this to a grieving person, you’re immediately displaying your outpour of pity. Newsflash: Grieving people don’t necessarily want to feel your pity at that point in time. Instead of the endless “Heiya, Na wa oh!”, coupled with the incessant shaking of head and snapping of fingers, perhaps you can sit with them in silence or say a quiet prayer for them as they mourn or grieve, that will help.
I Know How You Feel
This is perhaps the worst thing to say to someone who just lost a loved one because you never truly know how they feel. At that moment they might be trying their possible best to be calm, a hundred things might be going through their head. They’re dealing with different emotions all at the same time, so you don’t truly know how they feel and saying you do, is nothing short of insensitive.
Loud Wailing
Letting out a loose, long cry or rolling on the floor in the presence of the bereaved is perhaps not the best thing to do no matter the circumstance, hence the adage “ Do not cry more than the bereaved “. Unfortunately, this is quite, the norm in many African cultures. When you put on such a display in the presence of someone that is grieving, it may come off as mockery. If indeed you cannot control your emotions, take a moment, step out, compose yourself and go back to face them.
Please Stop Crying
Crying is an important part of grieving process. Instead of shushing the bereaved up or telling them not to express their feelings, let them know it’s totally okay to cry, moan, break down whenever they feel the need to as it will help their healing process. Is it even possible to stop crying for the loss of a loved one entirely? Ten, fifteen years after, your memories of them may be faint but the urge to cry simply because you miss them will still be there. Grieving is a lifelong process, it only gets better with time depending on the individual. “Stop crying” is not a nice thing to say to someone in despair, let them cry. You can either lend a shoulder or let them be by themselves.
It Was His or Her Time, They Deserve to Rest
This is a rather cruel thing to say to a bereaved person, never say it at all. Nobody deserves to die, nobody has an approved death day stored away in a bank waiting for the person to come get it. Resist the urge to say these rather unkind things to someone that is grieving especially if you know or do not know anything about the circumstances surrounding the death of the person. Move away or simply leave if you feel the urge to say these things, they are totally unnecessary.
It Is Well
No it is not well, you do not need a soothsayer to tell you to read the room, there is nothing well about someone loosing a loved one, there can never be anything well about it, I know this can be an awkward situation but something its better to say nothing if your not sure of what to say.
You Will Soon Forget
Telling a grieving person that they will soon forget the death of their loved one is insensitive and dismissive. There is no guarantee that they will ever forget the person they are mourning, the pain will always be there, the void left can never be filled. The bereaved can only learn how to live with the pain, so please do not tell them they will soon forget or that their pain will soon be over, this is a wicked lie.
God Knows Why It Happened Like This
Have you taken a moment to really digest the meaning of these words? It makes it look like God intentionally let someone’s loved one die. No matter how grounded you are in religion, this is not just what a grieving person wants to hear at this time. Instead of saying that, say some prayers for them and lend them a shoulder to lean on. At that point they may be questioning God or asking why it had to happen to them, telling them that God knows why it happened certainly does not help matters.
Be Strong!
Do you think that someone going through grief, struggling in the helpless face of despair can really afford to be strong? Do you think that is the wise thing to say to someone still trying to come to terms with reality? They cannot be strong! That is why they often times need to rely on your own strength to pull them up when they need to get up. Being strong in that moment is not an option, don’t coerce them to be by telling them so.
Is It Not Time To Move On? Try To Move On
This is one of the most common phrase and it is not talked about enough. When you tell a grieving person to move on, you’re essentially telling them to dismiss or forget the person they’re mourning. What you’re basically saying when you say “Is it not time to move on?” is that they are dwelling too much on the thoughts of the person they lost. You’re telling them indirectly to forget the memories they shared and forget the relationship that existed between them. It’s a very selfish albeit impossible ask. There is no timeline or specified timeline for grieving, so it is not in anyone’s place to try to force them to move on, it is a decision only the bereaved person can make when it seems right for them.
I hope that people understand that grief is a foreign feeling and most people are helpless in the face of it, it is just like a lightweight door that a heavy breeze can open and close of its own accord. It gets better with time but only those grieving can truly determine when it is “THAT” time. All you can do as a friend or partner is to encourage them, embrace them and hold their hands through the storm.