Every single person reading this has given out a compliment at some point in their life (I mean, I’d like to think you’re not all horrible people), but if you check yourself you’ll come to realize that at some point, you’ve probably said something that was not totally sincere. Or maybe you were even at the receiving end of these comments.
The thing about backhanded compliments is that even the most well-intentioned people might say something they believe to be nice in a way that ends up offending someone. And no matter how sincere your intentions are. It doesn’t take away the negative effect that the flipside of those words could have on the person receiving it.
Compliments are supposed to make the recipient feel good, however it’s very easy to miss the line and make a disparaging statement. A good rule of thumb, skip the “buts” and the clauses that come after whatever nice thing you have to say.
Here are some common compliments people give that are offensive. As much as you use this to work on yourself, don’t be afraid to call out people who do the same to you. The next time someone tells you you look perfect without makeup, you should smile sweetly and ask “how about with make up? do i look horrible?”
You Look Very Beautiful Today
This is not a compliment because it means the person doesn’t look good every other day. Today just happened to be different.
What to say instead: You look beautiful.
You Are Too Beautiful and Young For Your Age
This might seem like a great compliment but “too beautiful” and “too young” are conditional terms. What’s wrong with looking older? And does looking older automatically translate to being ugly? These conditions automatically make that compliment non genuine.
What to say instead: You’re very beautiful. You have great skin.
You Are Much Smarter Than You Look
Quick question: Does the person look dumb? What exactly does a dumb person look like beside having the same eyes, nose, face and mouth that we all do. Statements like this imply that beauty and physical appearance are directly related to one’s intellect. Most times people also tend to say “you don’t dress like a smart person”. This is a very ignorant thing to say to someone. You know what’s actually dumb, attaching one’s beauty and physical appearance to their intellect.
What to say instead: You’re very smart
You Behave So Well For a (Insert Relevant Country/Ethnicity/Religion)
When you tell someone they behave so well for their religion, tribe, and country, you are indirectly condemning the religion or race they identify with. This is very unacceptable on all levels.
It’s very possible to compliment someone’s character without having to lower the standard of the group, religion, and country they identify with. Just say, you’re well behaved, period.
What to say instead: You’re well behaved
You Are Too Beautiful To Still Be Single
This compliment sounds good and pleasing to the ears, considering that the physical appearance is being acknowledged. Should that equate to marriage-ability? Since when is a relationship is the ultimate goal for anyone that’s deemed beautiful or handsome? This statement is a double edged sword in that it could also mean that even though the person looks good physically, they have flaws that make it hard for people to commit to being in a relationship with them.
What to say instead: You’re beautiful/handsome.
This One You Smell Nice Today
This is not a compliment. Telling someone they smell nice today is implying that they have smelled bad every other day, and that smelling nice today just happened by chance.
What to say instead: You smell nice
You Lost Weight
Losing weight can be sensitive for a lot of people, when you tell someone they have lost weight, and they look great, you’re literally saying they look good because they are now thinner and smaller.
Commenting on someone’s weight can make them start to internalize the idea that they are being watched, and that people are monitoring their bodies. This also makes whatever process they are going through incredibly difficult, they start to put a lot of pressure on themselves if their weight fluctuates and might pickup eating habits that lead to disorders.
It’s never okay to comment on someone’s weight loss or weight gain, and while we’re on this, we should probably drop the assumption that losing weight is good and gaining weight is bad? You never know how people feel about their body and what they are going through at the moment and so, complimenting one’s weight really crosses the line.
What to say instead: Nothing (or if you must talk- You look good)
You Are Very Photogenic
Saying someone is photogenic automatically means that they appear beautiful on cameras and in photos only, you might mean well, nevertheless, people have insecurities that they deal with on a daily, just tell them they look beautiful without adding any clauses.
What to say instead: You look beautiful
Editor’s Note: Compliments are great, but more often than not, the clauses and additional comments that follow what needs to be said tend to detract for the sincerity of that compliment. Go straight to the point without the buts, the fors, or the unnecessary context. When in doubt, say nothing.
Have you ever given or received a backhanded compliment? Comment the one you’re most familiar with.