You and your partner may not always be on the same page when it comes to sex. They might want more sex than you’re willing to put up with. Or maybe you’re the one wanting more than they are willing to give. In either situation, it’s incredibly normal to feel bad about the way things turn out, but even more important is the need to have a conversation with your partner once you’ve both had some time to process your feelings.
Mismatched libidos are one of the primary causes of conflicts in relationships. Sex drive or libido can be described as the need, want, desire or enthusiasm to engage in sexual activities either with a partner or by yourself. It is important to understand that every person has a unique sex drive. There’s no level of libido that is considered normal. As a matter of fact, your desire for sex can and will change over time.
Reasons Why Your Sex Drive May Have Changed
- Stress
- Pregnancy
- Reduced testosterone (associated with aging)
- Menopause
- Loss of attraction towards one’s partner
- Terrible communication skills
- Depression
- Intake of antidepressants and beta-blockers, hormonal contraceptives and some other pills.
- Diabetes, cancer, osteoarthritis, heart disease and other chronic conditions.
- Poor self-esteem.
- Surviving sexual abuse
- Suppressed dissatisfaction, etc.
How to Navigate Mismatched Sex Drives in Your Relationship
Some of the aforementioned will require medical advice to help you navigate the situation. Others require a combination of patience and personal effort. If you find that you and your partner are often having conflicts, or are dissatisfied with each other because of your mismatched libidos, it is very important that you first communicate, then, take the following steps to avoid having a strain on your relationship.
1. Start Dating Each Other Again
Try not to make everything about sex. If you happen to have a higher libido than your partner, you could be unwittingly putting too much pressure on them. They probably feel incredibly apprehensive anytime you want to go out for the night or if you touch them or joke sexually because they’ve come to expect sex any time that happens. You need to remind them with your words and actions that intimacy encompasses so much more. Go out for dinner or a movie and when you get back home just talk and/ or cuddle before going to bed. Watch a movie at home and let yourself fall asleep. Have a games night but don’t initiate sex. If this goes on for a while they won’t equate intimacy and time spent together as an interlude to sex anymore. It may make them warm up to you in a way that’ll make them crave more sex. This is a great idea because you get to connect with your partner in a way that doesn’t involve sex while still possibly increasing the amount of sex you’ll have.
2. Communicate As Often And As Thoroughly As You Can
Communication they say is key and that has never been a lie. Humans aren’t mind readers. You may think you know what your partner is feeling or thinking but you probably don’t. Engage in conversation to clear everything up. If you’re the partner that has a lower libido, you need to let your partner know that you would appreciate connecting in a way that doesn’t involve sex sometimes. You both need to have a conversation explaining how often you want to have sex and how to navigate each other’s sex drive. You also need to understand that you can’t have one conversation that automatically fixes all your sex troubles. This will be a continuous, almost never-ending conversation. This is because your bodies will change over time. Just because you were turned on by something today doesn’t mean it’ll have the same effect tomorrow. In addition, just because you want and can have sex 7 times a day doesn’t mean you’ll still want that a year or 2 from now.
Additionally, whenever you catch yourself frustrated or mad at your partner because they can’t understand that you don’t want sex or they can’t understand that you really need sex right now, take a couple of steps back. Take a deep breath and distract yourself for some time. When you feel you can think rationally without intense emotions getting in the way, try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Try to imagine how they feel in that moment and see if you could possibly empathize.
Lastly, you need to quickly redefine what sex means to you. A lot of people think they’ve only had sex if penetration was involved but sex is so much more than that. The more you see foreplay, oral sex, toy play and lots more as sex, the more likely you are to enjoy those moments and feel fulfilled longer while also possibly making your partner comfortable.
3. Schedule Sex
For some, the mismatched sex drive problem they’re having may be because they have too much going on. They end up not being able to find the time to have sex. There’s a simple fix to that. Make the time. If you’ve noticed that your busy schedules have kept you apart for some time, have a conversation about it and create the time to connect. Literally, schedule sex on your calendar.
4. Set The Tone
Some people don’t call or text their partner throughout the day. They don’t make them breakfast in bed or make a surprise coffee for them or something. They spend the entire day completely apart and then just expect sex at the end of it. It can’t work that way for some people. They need the build-up. The expectancy. So if you really want to have sex, set the tone. Send your partner cute but naughty texts throughout the day, brush across them while getting ready in the morning, and give them little gifts like getting them coffee or sending them lunch at work. Just prep your partner’s body and mind for what you would both hopefully engage in later that day. Also, don’t be shy to give your partner some kisses and/or some oral stimulation sometime during the day.
5. Masturbate
Masturbation could weirdly solve more than half of the sex problems you’re having with your partner. However, a lot of women are uncomfortable exploring their bodies and understandably so. If you want to have sex but your partner doesn’t want to or if they’re too busy at that moment, touch yourself. If they’re horny but don’t particularly want to be touched by another person at that time, touch yourselves together. There’s a lot you can do to diversify your sex lives and masturbation is one of those things.
6. Consider Polyamory
If for any reason you and your partner can’t really get to a middle ground and you feel okay letting them get some of their sexual needs elsewhere and they’re okay with you getting some of your emotional needs that they may not meet, elsewhere as well then maybe its time to discuss broadening your relationship to accept other people. It’s time to discuss polyamory.
7. Get Help
If after trying everything you still have some issues to iron out then it may just be time to see a professional. Book an appointment with a licensed sex therapist and get to work navigating that mismatched sex drive. If even after this you and your partner can’t resolve the problems you’re having then you need to decide if you can live with the way things are or if it’s time to maybe move on.
Editor’s Note: The advice shared above only works if you don’t have an asexual partner or if you’re not asexual yourself. Addressing navigating sex with asexuality being a part of the conversation takes a different approach.