All my life I’ve known one thing. If I’m lucky enough, at the end of the day, I will find a man, we will fall in love and I will get married to him. It was what everyone did. It was what my mother did and her mother before her. It was what she hoped for, for me. It was what the Bible taught.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.- Gen 2:24
Imagine my surprise when in my 20th year on this earth things started to go a little differently for me. I can remember this year clearly. There are no hazy moments. I’m not unsure of anything. It was a defining moment in my life. You don’t forget your defining moments. For once in my life, I was single and happy. There was no boy or man in my life trying to fill some void I wasn’t fully aware of. I was on my own, loving every second of it. I was also still in a place where I pitied queer people. The lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, you name it.
I wasn’t like most Christians. I didn’t hate or shame them, not to their face and not behind their backs but I did feel deeply sad for them. Like they had a problem they couldn’t fix and their souls were forever doomed because of it. Sometimes I got scared something might pull me into their sin but I knew I was straight. I was sure of it so that worry never really stayed with me. However, I do remember thinking that if it wasn’t such a sin I would be open to see if maybe I did swing that way. If I did like women too. I should have known. With those thoughts, it should have been clear to me.
I know what most of you are already thinking. You pity me or you’re disgusted by me. You don’t know my story yet and you don’t care simply because I am a woman who has dared to love another woman and who is daring to share that with you. Go ahead, judge me, hate me. It won’t change what this is. It won’t change what I am. It also won’t change that I am not a sinner. Do you know how rare it is for a woman my age to be a virgin? I have dated soo many men but not once have I ever opened my legs for them. I almost never lie. I’ve never stolen a day in my life, not even food from my mother’s pot. I wake up in the morning, I thank God, I go about my day and thank him again before I go to bed. I go to church every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday and when the time feels right, I share his light and word with others. I’m not a sinner. Some would say I’m too devout. Some of you that are sitting there reading this have sinned against God more times than I ever will but here we are. You all will look at me like I’m the one that should be ashamed, the one that should be cast out, just because I dared to love another human being in the purest way anyone can. It’s alright though. It’s my cross to bear. Let me tell you my story;
It was my second year in university. I as usual had returned to school weeks after the resumption date. In the time I was gone my friend had made a new friend. Her name was Zee. Cute- I know. She drew my attention. Anytime I saw her I would trace her movements with my eyes. Whenever I’m out in public, subconsciously I would search for her. Almost frantically. I wouldn’t-couldn’t stop until I found her. Only then would I be at peace, only then would the chaotic obsession in my brain calm down. I was jealous of my friend- Bella(I think I forgot to mention her name) and her friendship with this girl that had captured my attention. Not once did I think this was a romantic obsession. I had met girls before her that I liked and went after. Most of the time we became good friends. It was satisfactory. This time, it was a little bit different. I just didn’t know it. The first time we spoke was in her room. I don’t remember how I knew where it was, truth is I probably stalked her. I was in search of Bella. She was my roommate and she had been spending a lot of time away from the room. I always knew where she went, it made me green with envy. I always thought if I had just resumed a week or two earlier I would have met Zee first and Zee and I would be the ones holding hands everywhere we went. I would be the one saying hi to her mum and I would be the one sitting on her bed. I lightly knocked on Zee’s room door and when I was let in, I walked in with my heart in my throat. I had found the perfect excuse to FINALLY come to her room. My eyes immediately went to the top of her bunk, like I knew exactly where she was and our eyes met. For five solid seconds, we kept eye contact then I had to look away. After a few more seconds I found Bella.
” Hey Bella, your sister’s in the room, she’s asking for you?”
“Did she say why?”
“Not really, something about a laptop.”
I was doing everything in my power to not meet Zee’s eyes again.
Bella made a few sounds, then made to get off the bed. I saw my chance and I took it.
“Hi”, I quickly said before I lost my nerve.
“Hi hi” she replied cheerily.
“What’s your name?”
“Zee!”
“Zee..?” I asked with narrowed eyes.
“Zee!!”
“Uh..well It’s nice to meet you Zee. I like your name. I’m Karina.”
“Why thank youu! It’s nice to meet you too.”
That was our beginning.
I lingered after Bella left. I made small talk, admired her sleeveless light blue maxi dress and her faux locs. She was really pretty. After that day whenever we saw each other, we said hi. Sometimes we lingered and spoke, most times we didn’t. Eventually, I started letting go because I saw how Bella monopolised her. She became almost territorial and as much as I wanted to be her friend, it wasn’t worth all the toxicity. I took a step back. I focused on myself…annndd a boy I liked. Who wasn’t worth it. So uh yes, I left one toxicity for another and the crazy part is they were connected because the boy I liked, liked Zee. It was a painful thing to go through and accept but fast forward 3-5 months later and I’m in a place where I’m mostly over this boy and I’m also over this girl. Unfortunately, we have the same friend group and one night in September we’re all put together in the same room to celebrate a mutual friend’s birthday. It was a good day. I was in a place where I could be in the same room with both of them and be okay. We could all hang out and be happy. There were a ton of us, maybe 20 and we were playing a bunch of games. It was an interesting day. It was also the day I realised I had romantic and sexual feelings for this girl.
We were playing the suck and blow game. Essentially one person puts a piece of paper or a card on their lips and the person next to them has to use their lips to get it and pass to the next person without the paper or card falling down. If it falls, the two people involved have to kiss. Coincidentally I was seated next to Zee. We had been seated next to each other all night. We didn’t know we would play this game. No one planned it. The paper was going around and when it got to us I remember loudly thinking over and over again, ‘Please fall, please fall, please fall’. My thoughts did not falter, nor did they waver. My heart was racing and though I had been taught all my life that this was wrong, it was all I wanted and I couldn’t switch off that flip. I wanted her and there was nothing I could do about it.
After that night I avoided her like the plague. I had become aware of this thing inside me and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t close the doors I had opened, no matter how badly I wanted to. She was in my thoughts, my dreams, and what felt like my breath but I didn’t want it. It was a sin. I was even told it was ‘demonic’. I was going out of my mind with panic. I read and re-read the verses I already knew by heart. The ones I hoped would help me. The ones I hoped would ‘cure’ me.
Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Timothy 1:10 For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine;
Romans 1:26-27 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise, also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.
And the most famous: Genesis 19:1-11
Of course, it didn’t work. You can’t pray away the gay. It’s not a life choice. Nor is it a disease. It’s just a way to love. A different way than you all know but a way nonetheless. After weeks of avoiding her, she cornered me one day. I was taking a stroll outside one night on the school premises and she was passing by. I was going to mutter hi and quickly walk away as I had been doing for weeks but she grabbed my wrist and I gasped as literal electricity raced up my arm.
“Look at me Rina”
I was still avoiding her eyes. She took a step closer and pulled on the wrist she was holding.
“Look at me.”
Her voice was so soft and almost begging. I looked up. Cocoa-brown eyes met honey-brown ones.
“It’s okay. I know that day must have been a lot for you. Wanting that- and don’t deny it”
She stopped me before I could start.
” I saw your eyes. I saw what was in my heart reflected in your eyes.”
I stood still as the gravity of what she admitted settled on my shoulders
” I will never ask you to be anything more than who you are now. I will never push for something you’re not ready for. Yes, Rina. I like you. I want to kiss you and do a lot more than that and you know I don’t mean sex. I want you and everything that means but I’m more than happy just being your friend. I’ll never ask. Ever. So stop avoiding me. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. I’ll be ready to be your friend again. When you’re ready ”
She looked away first. She peeled her fingers off my wrist and made to turn around. I didn’t know I was moving until I did. I grabbed her arm, turned her around and leaned into her. We were roughly the same height so it was easy. Melting into her was too easy. Her lips were so soft it felt like kissing cotton candy. It didn’t feel wrong or demonic as they had described it. It felt warm, soft. It was everything I had never felt before. It was everything I would never feel again. I pulled away gasping for air.
“Shit”
I swore
“Shit, shit, shit”
It’s been four years now and we’re still together. Yes, when I say together I mean we are in a relationship and yes I am still a Christian. I still go to church every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. I still do everything I did before her. But now I go home to someone who loves me for who I am and I love her. No matter what any of you say, I know God brought her to me. How could he hate us? How could he hate love? He created it. He gave it to this entire earth.
1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
So yes I am a woman who fell in love with a woman. And yes I am Christian. Both are not mutually exclusive.