Many people are quick to defend themselves when they’re called out for cheating. They say things like, “We’re just texting, come on!”, “No one did anything!”, “You’re overreacting, it’s just harmless flirting”, “We didn’t even kiss!”, “If we were gonna do something, we would have already, relax”, or my personal favourite, “It’s nothing, calm down!”
For years, most people believed that physical infidelity was the only thing that counted as cheating. Some people still believe this today. However, this understanding is not entirely accurate. Cheating, also known as infidelity, is when a person in a monogamous romantic relationship has an emotional or sexual relationship with someone else without their partner’s consent. Infidelity, however, doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all definition.- WEBMD
The definition of cheating differs from relationship to relationship. Some people think confiding in someone else, flirting, watching porn, masturbating or going to clubs without your partner is cheating, others do not. This article’s aim isn’t to dissect the multiple definitions of cheating, we’re just here to talk about emotional cheating. Does it exist and are you guilty of it? Let’s find out!
What Is Emotional Cheating?
There’s no clear-cut definition of emotional cheating. The term is too murky, too grey. It’s not at all black and white. Emotional cheating is a type of non-sexual intimacy with someone who isn’t your partner. It’s when the relationship you have with someone else disrupts the relationship you have with your primary partner. The moment you realise you’re keeping certain information away from your partner or you’re uncomfortable with them knowing how close you are to someone else or how often the two or more of you talk or you’ve realised you no longer reach out to your partner half as much as you reach out to someone else, take some big steps backwards and assess the situation, you’re probably emotionally cheating on your partner.
“Emotional cheating happens the moment someone starts to share intimate thoughts, feelings and desires with someone other than their partner. It’s often seen as the first step towards physical cheating, but it can also be its own standalone betrayal.”- Joni Ogle, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and sex addiction therapist. Ogle adds, “Cheating is about betrayal, and the moment you give a part of yourself to someone other than your partner, then you have betrayed their trust.”
Though similar and sometimes mistaken for each other, emotional cheating isn’t to be confused with friendship.
Emotional Cheating VS Friendship
For a lot of people looking in, emotional cheating and close friendships look incredibly similar. However, there’s a distinct difference. Intimacy with friends of any gender is normal, understandable and healthy. Actually, what would be considered unhealthy is relying on your partner for all your emotional needs. It’s okay to tell your friends some things you don’t tell your partner and it is more than okay to vent to people you trust about anything and even something in your primary relationship with your partner you need clarity on or a second opinion. The only time this becomes an issue is when your “friend” is who you go to first when something good or bad happens in your life. They no longer play a supporting role, they’ve taken centre stage and are now the lead role in your life. They’re constantly on your mind and you feel things for them the same way you feel about your partner or possibly more. This connection can then be seen as more than a simple friendship. It has become something more.
Here’s an example:
If you left your phone open on a conversation you were having with a “friend” and your partner picked up your phone, would you descend into a panic attack and quickly try to get the phone from them or will you be relaxed knowing you have nothing to hide? If your answer was a panic attack then you need to check yourself and your feelings quickly before you hurt multiple people, including yourself.
Signs You’re Guilty Of Emotional Cheating
- You spend more time talking to (or thinking about) the other person than your partner.
- You avoid mentioning them to your partner.
- You know they’re attracted to you.
- You notice physical signs of chemistry around them.
- You are less intimate with your partner.
- You feel less physically or emotionally attracted to your partner.
- You wish your partner could be more like them.
- You avoid open communication with your partner.
- You hesitate to tell your partner about the bond you’ve developed.
- You share things with the other person that you haven’t shared with your partner.
- You confide in the other person about the intimate details of your relationship troubles.
- You’ve become more detached and emotionally disconnected from your partner.
- You compare the other person to your partner.
- You fantasize romantically or dream about the other person.
- You hide or delete texts, emails or social media messages on your phone, computer, etc.
- You become defensive and sensitive when your partner questions your relationship with the other person.