The Other Way To Settle Down: A Millennial Mindset

I think I’m ready to settle down, were the words that fell carelessly from my mouth as I finally drifted myself to sleep. 5 hours and 4 insta stories past my bedtime and this was the only conclusion I could come up with. Logical, but not entirely accurate. I would verify the next day that there was no way in hell I was in any shape or form, ready to push a 5 pounder out of my vagina. But the other things that came with 5 pounders, the house, the steady job, the sense of stability in knowing exactly where my life was going. I wanted that so maybe I was right. Maybe I was ready to settle down.

The last time this train of thought came up in a conversation, I blamed it on the cold. That element was solely responsible for my restlessness and inability to settle in one location over the years. But it wasn’t the cold talking this time, and it wasn’t my hormones either trust me I googled that shit. It was just life and the order in which it was bound to happen. The unspoken rule that just as Barbie dolls become less appealing with age, one day, the need for 18 shots and fifteen rounds of sex (whatever floats your boat) is bound to be overtaken by a thirst for purpose and genuine peace of mind.

It’s easy to equate purpose and peace of mind to weddings and babies.

It’s easy to equate purpose and peace of mind to weddings and babies. I come from a culture where a partner and children are the right and only way to settle down. So as I thought long and hard about this I wondered about the many people who, while craving the serenity that is a major antidote to adulting, had gone searching for this in the wrong places. I thought of the many relationships that had been formed and responsibilities that had been undertaken because of this yearning(trust me kids are not cheap), when indeed what was needed was simply self-actualization.  The truth is, there is no one way to settle down, at least there shouldn’t be. So if you find your self having the same longing, knowing deep down that you are not ready to take the plunge, here are some alternative tips to help you find peace. The other way to settle down from the desk of a weathered millennial.

Take A Solo Trip

If you’re currently adulting, chances are you feel the stress down your spine and all the way back up like a fog over your brain. (Seriously, I hope this isn’t just me). Taking a moment to exclude yourself from the current daily activities that weigh you down is always a sure-fire way to reenergize. In my fantasies, I think of whitewashed concrete walls, billowing lace curtains and long walks down the beach but the truth is, that’s just stuff for the gram. Solitude can be found wherever you make it. Drive 30 mins across town, spend two nights with an old friend or get an Airbnb 2 streets away for the weekend.

Then breathe

In your solitude, you might find your purpose and yourself.

Visit Different Places

I used to think New York was the best thing that happened to mankind until I lived in it. Then I realized that the cost of “concrete jungle where dreams are made of” was overpriced rent, life-threatening cold, dirty subways, and an authoritarian influence on car ownership. Simply put, stress. Atlanta seemed inviting because of all the Nigerians there, however, living in the suburbs and driving an hour in between errands daily wasn’t so enticing. California’s warm humid weather and coastal buildings was a friendly reminder of my birth city – Lagos. Louisiana seemed exotic until I spent the night and got all the voodoo vibes. North Carolina had great views and extremely beautiful skies but ehhh.

For me, traveling, especially when I’m overwhelmed is a form of escape. For every new city I visit, I’m able to immerse myself in its culture and character and become this new person devoid of any uneasiness for that time being. What’s even more special about this is that every trip provides me with a realistic vibe of the environment so I can tell what places work for me and what doesn’t. This way, when I lay down roots, I wouldn’t be getting a house or a job in an environment because fate put me there. It would be a choice. It would be where I feel most at peace and settled.

Find The Job You Want At The Pay You Want

When you’re starting out of college, heck, even if you’ve spent years in the workforce, it is extremely easy to make pay the number factor that determines your choice of a job. And that’s not wrong, money is important, but 2 jobs and a couple meltdowns later, you’d quickly realize that all the money in the world is not worth a thing if you are unhappy. I know I’m about to lose some of you here but humor me. I’m not saying give up money for happiness or vice versa. Our world is so generous that you get to have both. Do the job that brings you the most joy at the pay that you’re most comfortable with. It’s 2019 people negotiation is a thing. Do not be afraid to ask for more money or benefits if you feel like you desrve more.

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Stop Renting and Start Buying

If you paid $1000 every month for your rent, by the end of the year, you would have given your landlord $12000 that you could have easily put towards a down payment on a home. Buying a house is not as hard as it seems, neither is it reserved only for those who have a family. Thanks to things like FHA loans, with good credit you can buy a home for just 3.5% down as low as $4000 depending on the cost of the home. You could end up paying a monthly mortgage towards your home that is up to 50% less than your rent. It’s definitely something to think about. I used to be so hung up on getting the luxuriest apartment on the block. Now if I can get an average place at an affordable price, I’d take it and glam it up to my style so I can have some change to save for a down payment. Rent smarter not harder.

Find Something that Makes you Happy and Implement it Into Your Schedule

I got a Happiness Planner recently, to make my already cramped life easier to deal with. One of the worksheets required me to list the things that made me happy, rate them from highest to lowest, then find a way to implement them into my daily schedule. For example, if going to the movies was something that brought me joy (and it does), I’d make a note to go see something new at least once a week. Finding happiness in everyday things might not seem like a viable point here but believe me, it is one of the greatest keys to feeling at peace wherever you’ve decided to settle down. It’s making that place your own and being happy and content with yourself irrespective of the space. It is eradicating restlessness. A phenomenon that, in turn generates the feeling of settlement.

Build Genuine Friendships That Might One Day Lead to a Relationship

One day you’d take a look around you and realize that your friends are one of the best things that happened you. You’d understand that you genuinely love and care for them and you’d want nothing less than forever ever after with your crew. I always advocate, forming a genuine uplifting friendship with good people who look out for and support you and much as you support them. It is an extremely beautiful thing; a support system that, not only lasts but also, helps you navigate the changing phases and enjoy the burgeoning newness of life. If any of your friends happen to be a member of the opposite sex, chances are, you’d also wonder why you wasted your youth with the fuck boys and girls of this world when you had a genuine person that understood you by your side all along. Don’t fret, there’s beauty in the cheesiness of seeing the light. Think Simi and Adekunle Gold. The best relationships are borne out of genuine friendships.

Do you agree that there should be no right or wrong way to settle down? Do you think these tips can help curb your yearning if you’re not ready to take the plunge towards the societal standard definition of “settling down”? Comment your thoughts below