It is somewhat human to say the first thing that comes to mind when you see something different than what you’re used to or something that shocks you. Still, unsolicited comments and opinions, more often than not, can be hurtful when it has to do with another person’s body image.
My entire life I have been pretty average-sized. Never too small and never too big. My weight has fluctuated a lot, I’ve been smaller, I’ve been bigger but it has always been firmly in the middle range. However, in the past, I suffered from certain insecurities about my weight and not because anyone has ever directly body-shamed me (at least not that I remember) but because everyone around me, society as a whole made me feel like I had to look a certain way to be beautiful.
At first, I wanted to get bigger. It wasn’t because someone had told me I was too slim or because I was told I would look better bigger. I just wanted it. It took some time but I eventually got what I wanted then all of a sudden EVERYONE kept telling me I was “fatter”.
Looking back now, I don’t think anyone meant any harm by it, I had just increased in size and they were not used to it, so they commented on it. They were not saying it was a bad thing but society had equated fat to bad for so long that I started to largely feel self-conscious and thus began my journey to becoming “the perfect size”. I spent years silently struggling to suck in my belly, wear the tightest clothes that showed just how “in” my waistline was, dieting (or trying to hehe), feeling guilty then working out, that it became my identity, but no one knew, of course. I didn’t want to be seen as the girl unhappy with the body she had.
This is what a few passing weight-related comments did to a child of 13. She carried it with her until she was about 19. She struggled to wear the clothes she liked because she didn’t like how her stomach looked in them, she hated people touching said stomach, she carried CONSTANT guilt any time she ate something that wasn’t “healthy”, the slightest comment on her weight put her in the worst mood and she would, almost like clockwork, work out the next day. It was at 19 that she began to accept the body she had. It’s when she started loving it, choosing it. It’s when I realized… accepted (because I always knew) that other people’s words didn’t matter. They never will.
If passing comments could have this much of a hold on me, imagine the effect a direct, derogatory comment could have on someone else.
“Oh gosh, you’re so fat”
“Ah ah, you don dey add o”
“Honey, you’ve put on some weight, don’t you think you should slow down with that dinner roll”
You’re so skinny!”
“This one doesn’t have any flesh now”
“If you don’t put on some meat, no man will want you”.
All these comments, to you, may be harmless but to the people you’ve spoken to, you have probably branded them, they have tattooed your words unto their hearts and they won’t forget it any time soon. You may think you’re being helpful or you want to say you’re just worried but frankly, it’s none of your business. It’s like telling someone with acne, that they have a pimple on their face. Sis, they know. They are most likely 100% aware and they are probably uncomfortable because of it, you pointing it out doesn’t help them AT ALL.
If you’re so worried about a loved one’s health, first ask if you can talk to them about their body and if they’re open to it, with love, you can ask questions but other than that, please do everyone a favor and keep it moving.
There are, of course, exceptions, for example, if a friend has shared that she’s trying to put on or lose weight and you notice that she’s on track, you could mention it but be careful with your words because even though they like what you’re saying, they may be thinking, “So I really didn’t look nice back then”, or some other self-deprecating thought. Talking about weight is a slippery slope. If you feel like you’re going to cause more harm than good then say nothing at all because as I’ve already said, someone’s weight gain or loss is quite honestly not your business.