When you hear of starving children in Yemen, you, almost certainly, will hear also, of the efforts made by various countries and communities to salvage the situation. If you look closely at any write-up on animal cruelty, I guarantee that you will detect the footprints of various animal rights groups that are scattered here and there, speaking out on animal cruelty and abuse. When the subject of rape is brought to the table, however, there is almost always, the case of misplaced priorities. The victims, thus, become the accused and are subjected to the daunting task of proving their own innocence as if the grievous wrong suffered were not misfortune enough.
We wear womanhood like a weapon used against us.
A brilliant writer once summed up the trials of womanhood in the most comprehensive way I’ve ever heard. She relayed that in this day as in all others “we wear womanhood like a weapon used against us” This phrase has been stuck in my head from the day I heard it because I couldn’t agree more. We (women) get beat up by our partners, sometimes even killed, and somehow we still get blamed for it because “It’s our fault we weren’t proactive with his bad temper ”. We get raped across the globe on a daily basis but the most popular questions afterward don’t address how to accost the perpetrators but rather cross-examines the shreds of our clothing and our presence on the site of the incidence. Statements like “What was she wearing?” and “Why was she there in the first place?” would thus overshadow the course of a meaningful proactive conversation that could be had.
On my last girls’ trip, after sharing my assault story with four of my closest friends, it broke my heart to realize that they all had similar stories of their own.
It is a proven fact that four out of five women in specific corners of the world have experienced rape in their lifetime, but these numbers did not hit home until very recently. On my last girls’ trip, after sharing my assault story with four of my closest friends, it broke my heart to realize that they all had similar stories of their own. Stories we all had kept from each other because of the shame we still carried. Messed up right? Long story cut shut, we spent the remainder of the trip furious, hug-crying and swapping tips on how to stay safer next time.
This is the sad reality of millions of women worldwide because regardless of the very many advancements in our modern world, the rape culture is still prevalent in our society as a global village today. Victims are blamed when they speak up and blamed when they don’t. The rapists in so many cases roam free and many an average man in the society treats the rape cases he comes in contact with flippantly because he could not possibly understand the horrors of intrusions such as the one on your person?
A few days ago, the Nigerian internet community was rocked by the rape allegations leveled against Pastor Abiodun Fatoyinbo, one of the spiritual leaders of the COZA (the Commonwealth of Zion Assembly), by Mrs. Busola Dakolo, a Nigerian female celebrity. In a gut-wrenching video spanning over twenty five minutes, Busola released never-before-heard accounts of her rapes by Pastor Abiodun, the first of which took place in her family home when she was only seventeen.
This was not the first incidence of rape allegations against this particular individual. In the past, heart-rending stories of victims had been met with silence and treated by Pastor Abiodun, alongside his congregation, as the machinations of the evil one until now. This latest accusation was met with such an astounding outcry that Abiodun Fatoyinbo was forced to break his customary silence and vacate his extolled position in the church pending further investigations.
One can conclude that the fervour of the national outcry against this incident was so because the accuser, in this case, was, not only a popular celebrity but also, married to one of the most well-loved musicians in the country. If the accusation not been from Busola Dakolo, it would have certainly been treated as just another story. It would not have compelled the Christian Association of Nigeria to release any statement, or resulted in massive demonstrations at the COZA place of worship, and it definitely would not have paved way for the #IStandwithBusola movement on Twitter and beyond. Ask Ese Walters, or the many women who had shared their story before Busola Dakolo did.
The recent events have brought many Nigerian men, and even the general public at large, face to face with the following questions: Why do women get raped? Why do people in sacred places of trust, such as Abiodun Fatoyinbo, abuse their duties in manners such as these? Why do acts like this go on for years on end without fear of repercussions?
Women get raped not because they wore scanty clothes, not because they ought to have sniffed their drinks more closely and certainly not because they should have known better. They get raped because someone decided to rape them.
Here is the naked truth, the one women know, the same one many men will not publicly admit: Women get raped not because they wore scanty clothes, not because they ought to have sniffed their drinks more closely and certainly not because they should have known better. They get raped because because someone decided to rape them, because someone made a conscious decison in that moment to violate their bodies and assign a right to it… a right that was not theirs to give in the first place. They suffer this terrible act and their rapists go scot-free because even today, everyone else still places more emphasis on shaming the victims than on finding and having the culprits punished.
Until we commit to righting this wrongful tilt, the rape culture will continue to thrive. The women will continue to be defiled, and even when they find their voices and speak up against their rapists, the ‘good’ men will continue to look at everywhere but at the rapists as they wonder why.
Editor’s Note: If you’ve ever been in a situation where you were abused, it’s important to know, before anything, that it was never your fault. That anger, betrayal you feel, it’s all valid but what has no place in your heart is shame… you have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand that the pain of abuse cannot be quantified, almost always cannot be expressed, that it’s a daunting one that forces on you a burden you didn’t ask for. Sharing and speaking up helps raise advocacy, helps reduce the weight but it’s okay if you decide to stay silent while you collate your words, it’s okay if it takes you a while to find your voice. There is no timed expiration on your pain and when in fact you do speak up, and/or confide in someone, your story will still be valid. If you need someone,
Walk in groups at night when going through a lonely path
Attend parties with people you trust
Don’t leave your drink unattended and if you do request a new one
Always keep your phone charged to a reasonable amount
Always be aware of your surroundings.
Talk to someone if you need to.