15 Excuses Men Give To Avoid Commitment and What They Secretly Mean

There are no hard and fast rules about romantic relationships because they come in different forms. For instance, your relationship could be a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement; or it could be a ‘wanting to date’ scenario. It could also be a situation-ship, a case of serious dating with a view to getting married sometime, or it could just be friends wanting to create an emotional connection out of their plain friendship. Whatever the case may be there is one integral factor that determines whether or not the relationship progresses to a deeper level – commitment.

Commitment is an integral part of any serious relationship. It is an ongoing, daily willingness to spend your emotional, physical, and sometimes financial resources with your partner and like loyalty, it should be taken seriously for any romantic partnership to blossom.

When you are committed to a person, it is natural to expect, at the very least, an equal degree of commitment from him as well. So when your lover is noncommittal or when he makes you feel like you’re on the short end of the stick, it could drain your emotions dangerously.

At some point in our lives, every one of us has met or heard of a man’s excuse when he’d rather not commit to a particular woman in his life. Some of us have counseled our girls to call their bullshit and many of us have left and moved on from such partners. Now, these excuses aren’t always necessarily malicious. It doesn’t always mean that the man who uses them wants to waste your time. However, chances could be that while he’s loading you up with said excuses, he could be ready and willing to commit to someone else other than you at that time. 

If you’ve heard your man (and we use this term loosely because who’s to say your man is really your man if he’s not willing to commit) say any of the following, fish out your pen and notebook because class is currently in session. Consider our suggestions below and address the issue quickly so you can better assess your way forward:

I am a lone wolf; I can’t afford to be distracted from my career

Our day jobs, dreams and ambitions can be consuming but if you can fit in the relationship on your end; then so can he. Most importantly, if he truly only sees a commitment to you as a distraction, then he shouldn’t be okay with having you around for some casual rolling in the sheets either. The meaning behind this first excuse is simple; he values his career more than you and the relationship you’re working hard to nurture with him. 

What we have right now is beautiful; I don’t want to ruin it

I wholeheartedly agree that most great love stories begin with friendships because, there’s truly nothing better than dating your best friend. But the whole point of nurturing a great friendship with the person you’re in love with is to define what the next level means for both of you and to move your partnership to that phase together. So if he insists on staying  as just friends, on being your ‘friend with benefits’ or on introducing you to his colleagues as his friend; please understand that he sees you as just that.

Why can’t we just enjoy what we have?

This excuse, almost always, is used by men who are in situationships they’d rather remain in. Just in case you aren’t clear, “let’s just enjoy what we have” simply translates as “I want to be able to have you there completely for me, because I know you can make do with whatever I decide to offer”. He gets to vent to you, he has someone who will be there in his corner, but then when you demand the same, he shrugs it off. I’m going to keep this one very short: call his bullshit and leave. 

I don’t deserve you

The meaning of this phrase depends on the context it appears. For instance, when used by a man who is serious and loyal to you, it means that he considers himself lucky that you choose him as a partner. But when applied as a means of avoiding difficult conversations in a romantic relationship, then it could either mean that your subject of interest truly knows your worth and so knows that he’s not good enough for you; Or it could be something like the old, “It’s not you, it’s me,” type of excuse. You know, the same one Dean gave to Caelyn on Bachelor In Paradise as he shattered her heart on her birthday. Either way, he really doesn’t deserve you, but by presenting this admission to you upfront, he hopes to take advantage of your sense of pride and make you waste even more time on him. One word – Run.

Do we really have to do labels?

Here’s the thing about labels; they come with roles, obligations and boundaries, and when your partner hides behind this excuse; it simply means that he wants to avoid the weights behind these concepts at all costs. The irony of course, is that while he insists on not “doing labels” on his end; he expects that on your end, you accord him the attention, commitment and loyalty deserving of a “labeled” partner.  Just so you know, it’s not the label that he hates; he is just either uninterested or too lazy to commit to you as his partner.

I’m comfortable with things just the way they are

It is possible that you both want to leave your budding relationship open. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with both of your being comfortable with taking things slow. However, if you want something more, share this with him, If he still is comfortable with “things just the way they are”, please know that he has zero plans of growing with you or evolving your relationship to something more. He doesn’t want to go all in with you and even though this realization will hurt, you don’t have to wait for him to wake up. If he wants to take things slowly, but is eager to take some other things more quickly (you know what I mean), he’s only after one thing. So is he really worth it?

My ex hurt me so I just can’t

I understand that men are sometimes abused in their past romantic relationships. I understand also that flowing from their social conditioning, hurting men rarely talk about their feelings or insecurities from past love affairs. In some cases, however, an emotionally damaged man could use this excuse to avoid committing to a new relationship either because he doesn’t want to heal, or because he’s not ready to move on from his past. He simply needs you to mother him some, with time that you don’t have to give him. And while you’re at it, he will get into your pants to escape from the emotional part of the relationship with you. Let him go; don’t take his mess unto your shoulders.

The timing is just really wrong

If he says that the timing is wrong as a response to your emotional demands that he commit to your partnership, please understand that he does not recognize your worth. If he did, he would make the time because this idea of wrong timing is utterly false. There’s no wrong time, only the wrong people. You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. You meet them, and suddenly, you can’t imagine the rest of your life without them in it. You meet them and you just know that your planned adventures wouldn’t be as incredible if you didn’t have them by your side. You wouldn’t have to clear your schedule for them because they will easily become the backbone of it all. So whether your man uses this excuse to escape the questions you raise as to his commitment to you, or your talks about moving your engagement with him to the next level; it, very simply, means that he is in still in doubt as to whether you are the one for him.

I’m not really looking for something serious right now; maybe later

This has to be one of the most frequently used excuses ever invented by men. It can be interpreted in so many heartbreaking ways that I’m not even sure where to start. For instance, if used by your partner in a situationship, it very bluntly means that whatever you thought you both had isn’t even remotely considered ‘serious enough’ by him. If your boyfriend or fiancé hides under this excuse when talks of marriage come up, then you have to wonder at his label for your existing relationship because it clearly doesn’t qualify as ‘serious’ to him in the first place. And just when is ‘maybe later’? And why on earth should you stick with him with him till he decides that the hour of ‘maybe later’ has come upon him? Here’s a bitter pill; he knows exactly what he wants and it’s just not you sis.

See Also

Do Cheaters Miss Their Ex?

Let’s just flow and see how it goes

“And what exactly does ‘flow’ mean to you?” you must ask aloud-and justifiably so- when confronted with this excuse from your man. Because really, what does this mean if not “sleep together when I (meaning him most times) feel like” and remain “mature” about the existing arrangement –whatever the hell that means. This excuse is most times used by men in situationships, who wish to avoid relationships at all costs but when used by say your fiancé as regards your wedding date; it means practically the same thing. He’s not ready to commit to you. Not necessarily to women in general- just to you. And you can waste valuable time trying to make him change his mind; or you can beat it.

I’m not ready to settle down right now.

Here’s the funny thing about this excuse: it can be applied by your actual boyfriend; your friend-with-benefits; your fiancé, and your husband. Your boyfriend who culls this phrase up wishes to deflect any ‘serious or marriage talks’, your partner in a situationship who defends himself with this excuse wants to escape your emotional needs and your fiancé/ husband most likely uses this excuse to avoid any talks about starting a family. It doesn’t always translate into a malicious intent by your man when used; but it is a crucial point for concern. When you demand the measure of commitment you give to your partner in any of these situations it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re ready to pop out kids. Actually, it most times means the opposite. That you’re not ready for that precisely because you need to know that he is loyal to you; and that you are not in a relationship all by your lonesome self. Get it?

I just really hate handling relationship dramas.

This excuse most times applies to men in comfortable situationships. Put differently, these are men who would rather remain your friend with benefits while probably nurturing a relationship with another unsuspecting woman on the side. Or not. The thing about relationship drama though is that it never falls from the sky. Drama needs the efforts, dishonesty or at the very least, a lack of communication by one party in the relationship to seep into the partnership. And if he hates dealing with relationship drama, how about he works to eliminate it from the mix? On his end at least? By…Oh I don’t know…defining just how committed he is with you currently maybe?

You’d hate me; My ex says I make a terrible boyfriend.

This phrase often applies to men who aren’t ready to commit to a relationship with a woman who demands that commitment of them; either because they are afraid, because they just don’t want her enough to commit to her or because they have some other woman they care a lot more about on the side. First off all, is your man still in close contact with his ex? Is he so comfortable in your situationship that he can repeat his ex’s opinion on certain things to you? Second off, I understand that we all are different; and that sometimes men can let their personal fears and doubts come in the way of a great relationship. But the point here is that whatever else his ex says –again how are they even still talking? – your opinion should matter more than hers. It is you who should get to decide how good of a boyfriend he is. Her relationship with him is in the past and should remain there. But if he is still so hung up on her that he values her opinion here over yours, isn’t it clear that he is still very much into her?

What’s the point since we already live together?

Whether used by your fiancé, your boyfriend or your partner in a situationship as a way to avoid commitment, this excuse is a clear indication that he has gotten too comfortable with whatever arrangement you both have going on. If you moved in with him, that probably means that you love him deeply and that you see your future with him. But if he hides behind this excuse when you broach the question of his commitment to you, it very simply means that he has begun to take your love for granted. Malicious or not, his intent to you isn’t as clear as yours is to him. Communicate this to him clearly, and if his position remains unchanged, you’d best halt and move into a place of your own. If that doesn’t wake him up, nothing else probably would.

Changing the topic

This is without a doubt the oldest trick in the game and it applies to a fiancé, a husband and a friend-with-benefit alike. Changing the topic whenever the topic of commitment to an already invested partner comes up in any relationship is a grossly immature and cowardly move to make. In every possible scenario where your man changes the topic of commitment as soon as you bring it up (whether in relation to finally getting married after an age-long engagement or the complex matter of loyalty and trust), please understand that he is literally dodging the question. He is avoiding, and no matter how you look at this, it isn’t good for your emotional needs in your peculiar situation. Explain to him as clearly as possible how his avoidance makes you feel, and if he persists, please do the right thing for you and take some personal time to figure out your future.