If you grew up Black, whether African or African American, you’ve probably heard the phrase “strong black woman” multiple times. For years you watched your mother and/or other black women in the community struggle to get and keep a job, meet a man and marry him then take care of the entire home (this includes their husbands and kids) while still working and attempting to contribute to the home financially. In many cases, they become the sole providers. Still, they keep their heads high; smiling, laughing and getting up every day to the same exhausting lifestyle, burdened by the knowledge that if they for one day complain, they could be labelled weak. So these women continue to do these impossible things never once asking for a day off because they don’t want to be seen as soft or weak and also because it’s the only thing they know. They do everything on their own never once asking for help, and you the kid, having watched your mother be all these things, grow up with those ideals. Your strong black mother walked, so you could run. You learn those things and pass them on to the next generation.
If you grew up African you probably grew up watching your brothers, uncles, fathers and other men in the community get away with things you could never even dream of doing. Opportunities pass you by even if you’re more qualified or in a family unit, older simply because you dared to be born with a vagina instead of a penis. At a point, all you were expected to be able to do was nurture a home. You needed to be able to cook, clean, satisfy your husband in bed, and take care of him and the kids you had to have. Now, you still need to be able to do these things but you also have to get good grades, get a good job, and help your husband or partner financially but never expect him to help you in the home. You’re expected to do all of these while never complaining or asking for help of any kind. Just be a good girl. Be a strong woman. I can’t count how many times as a child I was told I was a woman and that I couldn’t do certain things or that I had to endure certain things the way only women can.
Today a lot of women know better. They’re learning that it is more than okay to say no. They know they don’t need to be so strong for so long. They know it’s okay to be soft and that asking for help isn’t a weakness. This knowledge makes some of them hate their mothers and the women that came before them but if you sit and really think about it you can’t truly blame them. This began many years ago. The Strong Back Woman Schema was developed during the slave trade and the almighty pressure of patriarchy came down heavily on Africa after the colonizers forced their way in.
Black female slaves were expected to help toil the field while taking care of their ‘master’s’ children, cleaning, cooking and looking after their own kids they also had to have to increase the number of slaves their ‘master’ s’ owned. They were never allowed to take a break or complain or be tired. They just had to plough on, no matter what. The slave trade ended but this outlived them and passed on to their children’s children.
When the colonizers came and began the slave trade, they took away the already existing system in Africa. The history books like to tell the story as the colonizers gave us(Africans) civilization, culture and lots more but that’s a lie they use to try to mask the atrociousness of their actions. Women were leaders before they came. We had systems that worked well before they came but they forced patriarchy down our throats and women suffered for it. Women had no choice but to be strong in the face of such oppression. They had no choice but to endure. They had to be strong. The colonizers left but I guess men liked being in charge so much they kept the system and discounted the years of African history they had long before the Westerners came. From that time until now African and black girls have had to fight harder than everyone else to be seen and heard. They’ve had to do that whilst never ever protesting or appearing upset about it.
If no one will tell you then I will say it to you. You deserve to rest. You deserve to take mental health days too. It is more than okay for you to cry. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all the household or financial burdens. You get to say no and yes and maybe. You get to change your mind. You get to do all these things and not be seen as weak because it isn’t weak to know you need a break or to ask for help. It is the definition of strength. You deserve so much more than what this world is willing to offer you. So yes, continue to fight the system and continue to be a Strong Black Woman but never ever second-guess taking that break. Never ever consider yourself weak if you can’t go on for some time. Never ever EVER hesitate to ask for the help you more than deserve.
I know it isn’t easy in any way whatsoever. Letting go of everything you’ve known your entire life will probably be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. Here’s hoping these few tips help you out a bit:
- Take your time. You can’t teach yourself to let go of things that were passed down through generations in a day.
- When you take a break, try not to think of the billion things you have to do once that break is over. Let your mind truly rest.
- Start by asking someone to help you open a tight jar for you. When someone offers to do something for you say, ‘ Yes, thank you.’ You don’t have to do it all yourself.
- Let your daughter know she can rest too. Teach her to be strong because the world is ready to break apart women that aren’t but also teach her to be soft and to lean on others the day she can’t be strong.
- Schedule little spaces of happiness into your life. You can get so busy living or surviving you may forget to laugh. Schedule in things you love doing and give yourself some joy.
- Try a solo date once or twice.